


Hulk Smash: Or How Tony Stark Became A Damsel In Distress (But Not Really)

by StarryFIF2



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Gen Fic, Humor, M/M, Multi, Protectiveness, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-26
Updated: 2012-05-26
Packaged: 2017-11-06 01:30:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/413233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarryFIF2/pseuds/StarryFIF2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In Tony's defense, he has noticed that the Hulk seems a little...clingy. He's been standing in front of Iron Man a lot during battles and roaring. It makes battles a little boring, and Tony's a little put off until he remembers,  'Hello, <strong>Iron Man</strong>,' and he flies off to go kick some butt of his own. </p><p>“Have you not noticed, Tony Stark, that the Hulk seems overly preoccupied with your safety?” Thor asks.</p><p>(As of 10/27/12 some minor revisions have been made.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hulk Smash: Or How Tony Stark Became A Damsel In Distress (But Not Really)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for this prompt:[here](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/5758.html?thread=6386558#t6386558)
> 
> 98 % of this is gen. The last bonus part is Bruce/Tony, as the original prompter requested, and you can ignore it if you don't like slash. The story is technically over before the final bonus section.
> 
> This turned out long, and a weird combination of cracky and fluffy. Also, Doctor Doom is a villain here, and Loki turned up as part of the Avengers. I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!
> 
> Please excuse my Tony Stark, he's probably horribly out of character, but I tried! I also don't know anything about the Avengers, except what I saw in the movie, and also from TGWTG Linkara's awesome three part “Ultimates” review. ( **Psst, the link for the review I'm talking about can be found in the endnotes, if you're interested**.)
> 
> This is unbeated, so please excuse any glaring errors. I tend to either abuse commas or completely miss where one should go. I need a beta.

**Hulk Smash: Or How Tony Stark Became A Damsel In Distress (But Not Really)**

It all began innocently, or as innocently as things can be when they involve Tony Stark. The Earth was saved, some of New York was destroyed, and Thor was back, pale, sad, and eerily quiet after returning his brother to Asgard.

Bruce was different too. Tony often caught Bruce staring at him out of the corner of his eye, a frown on his face. Tony thought about asking Bruce what was going on, but figured that it had something to do with the big guy, and figured in this case he didn't want to know.

It turns out maybe Tony should have asked.

It all began on a Tuesday morning, and in the dumbest way possible. In fact, it's so stupid that Tony doesn't even put two and two together for an embarrassingly long time for a genius of Tony's caliber.

Bruce and Tony were showing Thor around Times Square, in an attempt to cheer Thor up. The Asgardian's spirits seemed to be lifted and Tony was counting 'Mission: Cheer Thor Up' a success when it happened.

An over-eager tourist, with a heavy backpack and a camera around his neck, shoves Tony out of the way. Tony is embarrassingly unprepared for someone of his high villain fighting caliber, and he stumbles and somehow manages to trip over his own feet in such a way that he falls awkwardly onto the ground.

Thor is kneeling by his side in an instant and helping Tony to his feet. And ouch, yep, those are cracked ribs. Tony is by now intimate with the sharp, stabbing pain they bring. He frowns at Bruce when the physicist is once again staring at him, a frown on his face, and he looks upset enough that Tony thinks they should get out of here before the green guy maybe makes an appearance.

“Getting a little old there, are you?” Natasha teases later that night.

“Shut up.” Tony grumbles.

 

*******

Times three through twenty are small things that escape Tony's preoccupied mind. Villains come and go, and the Avengers come, get knocked around a bit until Tony comes up with a brilliant plan that saves the day, and then they kick ass and win.

(Or, you know, someone else comes up with a plan, but only Tony's is brilliant. Except for that one time Clint took out a mini-assassin bot with only a metal pipe and saved the day. Tony is magnanimous enough to admit that was fucking awesome.)

In Tony's defense, he has noticed that the Hulk seems a little...clingy. He's been standing in front of Iron Man a lot during battles and roaring. It makes battles a little boring, and Tony's a little put off until he remembers, 'Hello, **Iron Man** ,' and he flies off to go kick some butt of his own.

“Have you not noticed, Tony Stark, that the Hulk seems overly preoccupied with your safety?” Thor asks after a battle that involved rampaging, exploding spiders. Being an Avenger was a weird gig. The Norse God hefts Mjölnir over his shoulder. He seems genuinely curious.

“Pfft,” Tony waves his hand dismissively. “He's the Hulk, he smashes things.”

Thor frowns. “That is not an answer.”

Tony sighs. “He isn't protecting me, because I'm not a damsel in distress. See?” He waves his hands at himself, emphasizing his Iron Man suit. “This does not need protecting. This has weapons that can take out anything that tries to hurt me.”

Thor looks over at the Hulk, who seems to be eavesdropping, the green bastard, and doesn't seem all that convinced. Tony would be more annoyed by that, but he dismisses it, because Tony has more important things to worry about, like getting back to Stark Tower and having a drink, and tinkering with the thrusters on his suit.

“Sir, if I may,” JARVIS says, his voice dry, which Tony knows from long experience means he's not going to like whatever the AI has to say, “You were injured by a cement sidewalk. Perhaps you do need the Hulk. You're unreasonably clumsy.”

Tony's mouth opens and closes for a few seconds before he gives up. Sometimes it's better not to engage JARVIS. On second thought, Tony thinks he'll have two drinks when he gets back.

 

***

What Tony has noticed is the cuddling that goes on after the battle is over and the dust clears, so to speak. Tony has mainly noticed because he'd have to be deaf and blind, and unconscious to miss it. The second they're back at the mansion and Tony's out of his Iron Man suit, and up until Bruce Banner retakes control of his own body, the Hulk grabs him into a bear hug and doesn't. Let. Go.

The rest of the Avengers go about their merry way and ignores the spectacle their two teammates are making. They've long since grown used to the Hulk's oddities, and since Tony calmed down and stopped trying to get away, there's no more reason to worry that Tony may get hurt.

And maybe, just maybe, Tony has gotten used to the cuddling and looks forward to it.

Maybe.

 

((((

The first time Tony actually notices that the Hulk is maybe a tad bit overprotective, happens during a battle when Thor isn't there. It figures the Asgardian is missing when it's a battle where Mjölnir and Thor's lightning would help a whole fucking lot. But nope, Thor's back on Asgard, visiting his imprisoned brother.

Tony hopes Loki is being extra condescending today, because why should Thor be having fun when Tony isn't?

There's about a thousand robots milling about, (Tony knows because he had JARVIS count them,) and they all have laser weapons pointed at the Avengers, ready and willing to blow them to smithereens.

The Cap's giving out orders, and Tony nods as Steve basically tells him, “Fly around, shoot the robots. Blow them up. Protect the civilians.”

Tony readies himself to fly away and kick some robot ass when the Hulk stops him with a giant hand on his shoulder. Tony pauses, confused, and waits for the Hulk to say something. Grunt something. Whatever.

The Hulk doesn't speak.

“Uh, let's go?” Tony queries. He tries to move away, but the Hulk's fingers tighten for a fraction of a second in warning. Tony pauses really freakin' fast. The Hulk growls menacingly.

“Iron Man not move! Hulk protect!” The Hulk roars.

“Sir, perhaps you should listen to him?” JARVIS says reasonably.

“Whose side are you on anyway?” Tony asks.

“The side where you don't get hurt. Sir.” JARVIS responds smugly. Or, as smugly as an AI can sound. Which is, in fact, pretty smug.

Then all hell breaks loose or, more accurately, the **Hulk** breaks loose. Tony watches, fascinated, as the robots who'd been trying to sneak up on them are ripped quickly, and pretty creatively, into tiny robot pieces. The one robot who actually makes it past the Hulk is easy pickings for Iron Man.

Or it would be, if the Hulk didn't notice how close it's gotten to Iron Man and promptly stepped on it, right as Tony lifted his hand to blast it to bits. Tony sighed, put upon.

The rest of the team find Tony sitting on a pile of dismembered robots, blaring AC/DC because he's, well, **bored**. Steve seems too shocked for words at what he's seeing. Natasha and Clint both seem amused. The Hulk is definitely gloating.

“Hulk smash!” He roars, and stomps theatrically. “Protect Iron Man!”

Natasha's eyebrows lift almost into her hair. “Is that so.” She says flatly. That is definitely a laugh that Clint is badly trying to pass off as a cough.

“Go team.” Tony says sarcastically.

At least he gets cuddles after the fight.

 

((((

The fifth battle after the battle of the thousand robots, Tony finally has to concede that the Hulk is not going to give up this whole 'Tony is a damsel in distress that needs to be sheltered and protected' thing. Battles have gotten very, very boring.

The rest of the Avengers get to run around and be bad-ass. Tony gets to sit back and watch them kick butt with an angry, protective Hulk smashing anything that gets close. Tony didn't think things could get any worse.

That's until he noticed that the villains that they're fighting are actively **avoiding** Iron Man and his Hulk bodyguard. A member of the Enclave, who found himself within throwing distance of Tony, went deathly pale and **ran** away. It would have been funny if it didn't highlight all that was wrong with the situation. What little hope Tony had of getting to blast something is dashed pretty cruelly.

There are still cuddles though. Tony's beginning to think that's all he has to look forward to in the world. Pepper says he's being melodramatic. JARVIS agrees.

Tony thinks he needs new friends.

 

(((

“Ok, Tony, I need your help.” Steve says a month after the thousand robot battle.

“You do, do you?” Tony drawls. He feels hope blossom in his chest.

“I need you to fly to where Doctor Doom said he'd appear, and wait there.” Tony's mouth drops open. Steve smiles nervously.

Tony laughs mirthlessly. “That does indeed sound awesome, and like something Iron Man and I could get behind. You guys do realize that the Hulk won't let me go?”

Steve avoids his eyes. Clint answers. “That's why Bruce isn't in the room. We don't want the green guy to hear until we gear up.”

Understanding dawns, cold and ugly. “You're using me as bait.”

Thor, of all people, chooses to answer. “The Hulk would in fact protect you. It would be most useful in the coming fight.”

“I am not a damsel in distress who needs her man to come and smash things in her defense!” Tony hisses. His exit from the room is very dramatic. The door whooshes shut with a satisfying sound.

“Very diva-like, Sir.” JARVIS says.

“Don't make me replace you with a newer, sexier AI.”

 

(((((

Steve keeps suggesting the whole 'damsel in distress' plan, and Tony keeps shooting him down. It isn't until Doctor Doom shows up, with yet more robots (and what is it with evil people and robots these past couple of months?) that Tony decides to go along with it.

He plays along for two reasons:

1) Loki suggests it. Tony does not think it's a brilliant plan, on the contrary he thinks it's pretty terrible as far as plans go. And really, shouldn't an evil mastermind, like Loki claims himself to be, be able to come up with a better plan? However, Tony had promised Thor he'd try and get along with his brother, who is trying out the whole being good thing. If Tony needs to put himself in a dangerous situation that he can handle, thank you very much, than he'll do it so that Loki will stop trying to take over and/or destroy the Earth.

And 2) Tony is really tired of being on the sidelines, protected, while everyone else gets to be a bad-ass. He's ready to get some dark sunglasses and kick some butt.

He gets to enjoy it for all of seven minutes before the Hulk appears with a roar of absolute fury and promptly decimates all of the doom bots. Doctor Doom runs away with a squeal of absolute terror that Tony will be sure to mock him about at the earliest opportunity.

The Hulk lifts him up in one giant hand and sits on the ground and hunches over Iron Man protectively.

“Bad Iron Man.” He sulks. Tony sighs; he's not going anywhere. He has no choice but to wait for the rest of the Avengers to track down and restrain Doctor Doom.

Thor and Natasha show up with a downtrodden and kind of pathetic looking Doctor Doom twelve minutes later. Loki and Clint show up at the same time. Tony opens his mouth to begin some Grade-A mocking, but Loki beats him to it.

Tony vows, then and there, that he's never going to go along with Loki's plans again. Loki seems less than concerned that he'd lost Tony's support for the rest of forever, and instead went back to talking to Thor about moisturizing, or whatever it was an evil-but-not-quite God spent his free time doing. Any thoughts Tony may have been forming about working on his next big project is trampled on by a certain overprotective Hulk, who drags Tony to his side and refuses to let him even a millimeter away for the duration of the trip back home.

The cuddles are extra-long tonight, and it's not until after midnight that Bruce regains control.

 

((((((

Tony has to admit, he's gotten used to the whole Hulk bodyguard situation five months after the thousand robot battle when he gloatingly asks a slime-covered Thor: “Have fun?” Thor looks positively murderous as he looks over Tony's gleaming, clean Iron Man suit, and then over at a slime-covered Hulk. He bares his teeth but remains quiet.

The next morning Tony wakes up with bunny ears. After staring at himself in the mirror for a few moments, he laughs wryly and thinks about finding the mischievous God who is clearly responsible and perhaps strangling him. Because really, who else but Loki could be responsible? He should have known better than to mock Loki's brother last night. That right is pretty much reserved for Loki himself.

 

The end

 

(Bonus part!)

Going to the bank is something that Tony Stark never does because hello, billionaire here! He has people that handles his finances for him. Or, well, he has Pepper. Bruce Banner, though, does not. He wants to cash a check and he'd asked Tony to go with him.

It figures that the first time Tony goes to a bank in close to fifteen years, it gets held up. Tony is so busy wishing for his Iron Man suit that he misses the fact that Bruce is crouched in front of him, his body pressing Tony's against the wall in a really uncomfortable way.

“Shhh!” Bruce whispers once he notices Tony shifting behind him. “What do you think they'll do if they realize billionaire Tony Stark is here?”

That's a really good, but simple, question. They'll either kill him or take him hostage. Tony goes still behind Bruce. Not for the first time, Tony realizes just how vulnerable he is without his suit.

“Don't worry,” Bruce says calmly. “I'll keep you safe.”

And he does. For close to an hour Bruce stays motionless in front of Tony, blocking him from view. It's the NYPD who handle the bank robbers, not the Avengers, and the look on the two men's faces when they see Tony Stark come out of the building is priceless.

“Maybe next time, boys,” Tony taunts. He laughs as Bruce pulls him away with an arm slung casually across his shoulders. “They're going to be kicking themselves for not getting me.”

Bruce shakes his head. “You're a trouble magnet.”

“I can't help it. I'm electric.”

Bruce snorts. “You need someone to look after you.”

“And I suppose it's going to be you.” Tony says. He watches as Bruce's mouth tightens for a second before he nods. “And the green guy too.”

Bruce pulls Tony closer. Tony lets him. “The green guy is more vocal about how much he needs you. I may not say it, Tony, but I do need you.”

Tony's breath leaves his body as Bruce's lips covers his. Time stands still as Bruce's lips hungrily devour his. Tony is appropriately breathless when the physicist pulls away. The smile on Bruce's lips lights up his face, as cheesy as that may sound. It's beautiful.

A few minutes later, as they make their way back to Stark mansion, Tony says, “Does this mean I can go off and fight again?”

Bruce tightens his arm around Tony's shoulders. “Not a chance.”

Tony is ok with that. As long as he gets cuddles.

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you're interested in the **Ultimates** review by the amazing comic reviewer Linkara I was talking about, here's the links for the three part series. They're so good, and very entertaining!
> 
>  
> 
> [Part One](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ngOJTkRmIbk)  
> [Part Two](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CU6-wwRqwZI)  
> [Part Three](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqC40TIwp_o)
> 
>  
> 
> All his videos can be found [Here](http://atopthefourthwall.com/)


End file.
